One of the greatest puzzles people have to deal with in relationships really shouldn’t be a puzzle at all. The question I hear the most is “how do I know he/she means what they say?” And I always say back to them, “When their actions support their words.”
We all know that talk is cheap. Anyone can talk. Anyone can say anything or promise anything or threaten anything. But it’s not what they say that counts but what they do. Remember the story of the little boy who was always crying wolf and no wolf was to be seen. He did it so often that people first began to doubt, then eventually dismissed his cries. When the wolf finally did show up, no one was prepared because no one placed any credibility in what he said.
If the actions don’t support the words, the words will soon fall on deaf ears. If a husband tells his wife he loves her but he doesn’t spend quality time with her, he doesn’t tend to her emotional needs, he doesn’t remember her special days, he avoids any kind of intimacy like the plague, he neglects her, he puts her down in front of others, he abuses her either physically or emotionally or both, and her wants and needs always come in last, what conclusion would any of you make? Do the behaviors support the words? Of course they don’t.
If a friend told you that the two of you were, in fact, friends but didn’t act like a friend, what would you think? If they did things with other people and left you out, if they talked behind your back, if they neglected you or avoided you, if they were never there when you needed them the most, would you really think they were your friend, even if they told you they were?
If an elected official promises us the moon but doesn’t live up to his promises, what do we think? If he lies to us or deceives us, or does end- runs around us, and then patronizes us by telling us he was really acting in our interests, even though it’s not apparent to us, is this someone we can continue to believe and support?
There are as many examples of this as there are situations. The sad thing is that in each scenario, there are multitudes of people who will continue to believe the words rather than the behaviors and, consequently, they will continue to be duped by those whose only goal is to continue to use, control, and manipulate the other person or persons to their own ends.
The behavior should always support the words. There’s no reason why it shouldn’t. And it makes no difference why a person says one thing and does something else. It doesn’t make any difference if they had a bad childhood or came from the wrong side of the tracks or never got a break, what’s important is what they do today.
We know, for example, that people who are raised in a family or a neighborhood where deviant behavior is the rule rather than the exception is more likely to be a deviant than someone raised in a family and neighborhood where most of the people abide the rules and the laws most of the time. If there is deviance and criminality all around them, if they’ve been exposed to it from a very early age and the people that mean the most to them (family and friends) are displaying that kind of behavior, they are likely to as well. This certainly can serve as an explanation for their behavior but it can never serve as an excuse. They are responsible and, consequently, accountable for their behavior, regardless of the root causes. If they violate the law, they have to face the punishments the same as anyone else.
I think it’s a good exercise from time to time to take stock in our relationships and to see how many people who are special to us in one way or another is practicing what they preach. If they’re not, you’re being used and manipulated and controlled and the only person who can break that cycle is you.
If the behaviors don’t match the words, don’t believe the words.
